


A Time to Stay

by tfm



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Found Family, Gen, Team as Family, beau needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-31
Updated: 2020-01-31
Packaged: 2021-02-25 11:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22495687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tfm/pseuds/tfm
Summary: Post episode 93.Beau reflects on her decision, and the aftermath of it.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & The Mighty Nein, Beauregard Lionett & Yasha, Jester Lavorre & Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 4
Kudos: 128





	A Time to Stay

**Author's Note:**

> Holy shit Beau what the fuck was that?

The Mighty Nein trudged back in the direction of Kamordah, emotionally and physically exhausted. Jester had barely had time to explain what she had done; they moved at a fast enough pace that they were panting for breath by the time they had made it back through the bramble, clothes torn, arms and legs scratched by a few stray edges of sharpness.

There was a majority vote from the group to stop at the edge of the bramble, and set up camp. The argument was, Caleb reasoned, it didn’t not matter how far away they were if she decided to come after them. They were banking most (okay, all) of their hope on the thought that she wouldn’t.

If she did…well, they would cross that bridge when they got to it.

Beau could feel about six sets of eyes on her. She hadn’t said a word since they’d left the hut, and she knew her face was still red and puffy from the tears of the goodbye that had not quite come to fruition. Once again, Jester had pulled her ass out of the fire. She should have been grateful. She should have been so pleased that her happiness had not been ripped away from her, that she could go on having a family, having friends, having rank and respect of a powerful organization.

Instead, she just felt numb.

She sat at the edge of the dome, cross-legged, eyes glazed over, staring with unseeing eyes at the bramble. Suddenly, there was a hand on her shoulder, and the voice of Fjord pierced through the foggy veil she hadn’t even noticed was covering her. ‘You need to sleep,’ he said, gently. Beau nodded. She didn’t disagree. She was so fucking tired. Physically, and mentally, and emotionally, just…spent.

She laid back into her bedroll, very much aware of every stick and stone that poked into her back. It reminded her of the bunks at the Cobalt Soul. Tiny, shitty mattresses stuffed with shitty hay that were supposed to build character. The bed in her Expositor’s quarters, by contrast, was pretty fucking nice. She had almost given it all away.

While she slept, she dreamed of Kamordah. Not great dreams. None of her dreams about Kamordah had ever been great. She dreamed of toiling away in the vineyard (not that she’d ever been allowed to do anything as interesting as pick the grapes), stripping the vines, and getting screamed at for working too slowly (that had happened, more than once). She dreamed of Tori, of the last (first?) time she’d had some semblance of happiness in her life, the first time she’d been exposed to the cruelty of having it ripped away.

Because she wasn’t meant to be happy.

That wasn’t her lot in life.

Her job was to be the tank. To take the damage and the pain so that other people didn’t have to. Bear the burden of inheriting a winery that she didn’t want, stand in front of a hydra so no-one else would get hurt, trade away her life so that Nott could be with her family again.

Beau was shaken from sleep far too early by Caleb’s Jester’s cool hand. There was a strange look on her face that Beau didn’t get a chance to ask about, before she was almost forcibly pushed through the Teleportation Circle. She felt a little irritated about that. Not the being pushed part, but the fact that there had clearly been a conversation that she wasn’t part of, and she was almost certain that they probably would have mentioned the small matter of the deal that Beau had tried to make. She let Jester gently guide her through the streets of Rosohna, back to the Xhorhaus.

Still exhausted, Beau went, not upstairs, to the bedroom that she shared with Jester, but down into the basement. It wasn’t as though she was trying to hide; unlike the Lionett Estate, the house wasn’t so big that there was actually anywhere to hide. But, the mere fact that she was there would probably indicate to the rest of the group that she didn’t want to talk.

Not even just that she didn't want to talk. She had no idea what she would even say. "Sorry I almost traded away the only thing that's ever made me happy, my shitty family fucked me up so much, I don't think I deserve to be happy."

Even now, she could hear her father's voice echoing in her head. It's not about being happy, Beauregard, it's about being safe.

Gods, he had really done a number on her.

Beau laid in her bedroll, tossing and turning, before giving it up as a bad job. Her mind was too active now for sleep to be even remotely possible. As long as she was down here, though, maybe she could get some stretches done.

She was halfway through her arm stretches when there was a knock on the door. The world came crashing back, suddenly. This was a real thing that wasn't going to go away. She was actually going to have to deal with this instead of bottling it away, like she usually did.

Fuck.

'Come in,' she said, trying not to sound as though the knock was an intrusion on her deepest thoughts. As long as it wasn't-

Fuck.

'Hey Jester.'

Jester immediately stepped forward and wrapped Beau in a tight hug.

She stepped back.

‘Did I do something wrong?’ There was so much pain in Jester’s voice that Beau couldn’t stand it. She turned her head, so she didn’t have to see the pitying fucking look in Jester’s eyes.

‘You didn’t do anything wrong,’ Beau said, speaking more to the ground than she was to Jester.

‘Then I don’t understand. You don’t have to go away, that’s a good thing, right?’

‘Right.’ Jester was right. She didn’t understand. Or rather, she couldn’t understand. It wasn’t that Jester had always been happy, but there had clearly never been a point in Jester’s life where she simply waited for the other shoe to drop. The happiness she did have, she took for granted, rather than as something that could be torn away at any second.

'I would have been so sad if you'd left, Beau. I've never had to sleep on my own before…'

Beau couldn't quite tell if Jester was just trying to appease her or not. Her brain was scrambled, or fried, or...it was basically just eggs in there. Jester could have told her that she was actually a mermaid in disguise, and Beau would have just stared at her.

'How about you come up and have something to eat? Caduceus is making breakfast.'

Food did sound like a pretty good idea. Beau followed Jester back upstairs into the kitchen, where the rest of the Mighty Nein were already sitting. From the way they looked up at her as she entered, Beau knew they'd been talking about her.

'Hey,' Beau muttered. She sat down next to Yasha, and stared at the wooden table, rather than look any of them in the eye. Yasha said nothing, but put a large, warm hand on Beau's shoulder. 'Sorry, I...I think I lost my head a little back at the hut yesterday.'

Understatement of the century.

'There's nothing to apologize for.' Caduceus set a very large plate of bacon and eggs in front of Beau. Knowing he didn't particularly like cooking meat, she appreciated the gesture. Caduceus, whose family had all left him behind, probably understood a little of what she was feeling. Or what she was afraid of.

Suddenly starving, Beau wolfed down her breakfast, stopping only to take a long sip from the mug of water in front of her. Nott offered her flask, but that probably wasn’t a great idea.

'Just so you know,' Fjord said, slowly, 'None of us are leaving.' Beau stared at him. Was he trying to make her feel bad for offering to leave? He seemed to realize he'd worded his statement poorly. 'What I mean is that...when all of this is over, when the war is done, when the business with angels and demons is finished...that doesn't mean that the Mighty Nein has to be over. As you said, we are a family. Real family sticks together until the end, so I'm told. This doesn't have to be the best it can ever get.' There was some small (huge) part of Beau that so desperately wanted to believe that he was lying, but she knew that he wasn't. He genuinely believed that the Mighty Nein would stick around forever, and...looking around, so did the rest of them.

Forget going to visit her asshole family, this was possibly the greatest thing the Mighty Nein had ever done for her.

Yasha's hand squeezed her shoulder. 'You deserve happiness as much as anyone else, Beau. Do not let anyone tell you different.'

The tears were halfway down her face before she even realized she was crying.

Ah, shit. She wiped them away with the tail of her robes. She wanted so desperately to run away, to not have to face the awkwardness that was inevitably going to follow, but…

She'd spent enough time in her life running away from things, closing herself off from the world, bottling things up.

Maybe, for the first time...it was time to stay.


End file.
